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Jesus Christ, Acid Angel

8/27/2014

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Stiletto dagger heels click-clicking the pavement, tapping code signaling she's on the prowl.  It won't be long now.  The dogs start to howl:  "Jesus Christ, spare me, send me, the acid angel."  

Every cut caused by her tongue cauterized with a kiss.  Men go mad in search of such Pyrrhic bliss.  Jesus Christ, spare me, send me, the acid angel.

Even the shower head drools at the sight of her tools.  A siren in motion inspiring suicidal devotion.  Jesus Christ, spare me, send me, this acid angel.

The fall of empires, rise of the dead, sparking eternal infernal fires, demise of the head -- she's the cause of all that shatters.  Kali Diva nymphetamine acetelyne torching -- Jesus Christ, spare me, send me, this acid angel.

... send me this acid angel...



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The Best Movies Have Never Been Made

8/22/2014

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According to some, the best movies have never been made.  Whether Alejandro Jodorowsky’s Dune or David Lynch’s take on Return of the Jedi, there are a number of films that Hollywood promised but never delivered.  Various reasons abound for why certain projects don’t reach the light of day; however, it doesn’t really matter what caused these films to never be.  In the end, what matters is there lack of existence because now they always have the potential to be great.  This is especially true of films that started any degree of preproduction.  Any evidence of what kind of vision may have been emerging is fuel for the imagination.  Couple that with a successful director’s previous works, and viola!  Stanley Kubrick’s tale of Napoleon Bonaparte masterfully brings history to life, David Fincher’s Rendezvous with Rama becomes a veritable 2001 and not just for the C. Clarke connection, while Orson Welles evolves into a cinematic god instead of the patron saint of unfinished films. 


But I submit that cinemaphiles and fanboys (and I include myself in both camps) are better off without these features finished.  

Currently two trailers are making the rounds for a documentary called The Death of Superman Lives:  What Happened?  The film intends to bring to light what ended the production of a Superman movie written by Kevin Smith, directed by Tim Burton, and starring Nicholas Cage.  However, the trailers, at the very least, seem to purport that this movie may have been a lost masterpiece of some kind.  People associated with the film regularly make statements about the wild and wonderful directions the movie planned to go in as well as casually dismissing any sneers at early production materials since the film was, at the time, testing possibilities as opposed to solidifying a vision.  In other words, since the movie never came about all the things which seem to cast it in a negative light should be dismissed because of course the filmmakers wouldn’t’ve gone in unappealing directions.  In addition, everything individuals think looks cool would have definitely been in the film.  It doesn’t matter if people have differing opinions on what that all entails – one group sees a negative another views as a positive – both points of view are correct. 

Since the movie never happened it can be all things to all people.  Never mind the plethora of shit performances Nicholas Cage has turned out over the years.  If Superman Lives had come to fruition Nicholas Cage would have nailed a performance worthy of an Oscar.  And this is without saying anything about the film’s look – sets, effects, lighting – which could only end up being a so spectacular a person would be able to watch the movie without sound and still be entertained.  

That may sound a tad sarcastic, and though it’s meant to be, at the same time I have had, from time to time, similar optimistic hopes.  Despite the titanic brain aneurism Dune turned into, I still wish David Lynch got a crack at Jedi.  And ludicrous as it may be a part of me has a guilty lust for Gladiator 2, wherein Russell Crowe murder-stomps his way through the afterlife, back to the world of the living, and proceeds to slaughter across time in a plot that can only be described as God of War:  Bastard Life or Clarity.  I’m not above the cinemaphile hope beloved directors will always craft great movies.  Yet, I sometimes worry a belief is being established through such hopes, the idea that a film can be everything to everyone.  

This belief carries with it a cancerous notion, especially when applied to unmade films.  The uncompleted works influence the notion that the best chance to do something is lost in the past.  We lament missing the chance to make a great work instead of looking forward to greatness on the horizon.  Though Orson Welles never got to make Heart of Darkness, that freed him up to do Citizen Kane.  Also, those who stare back at these uncompleted “masterpieces” are establishing an uncontestable standard – “Man of Steel was okay, but Superman Lives woulda been amazing.”  

(Full disclosure:  I’m only using these two because they sync up for comparison.  Personally, I thought Man of Steel was like watching a failed abortion being resuscitated with a hammer.  That said I suppose I might just as easily create a quote like, “The greatest comic book movie of all time is Superman Lives… if it’d ever been made.”)

Some may contend they didn’t or don’t expect these movies to be cinematic triumphs, though such disclaimers beg the question why do they wish the film was made?  If it wasn’t going to be great what was the point?  Granted, no one sets out to make terrible art.  Somehow it just happens along the way.  But is the desire simply to have one more Hitchcock thriller, one more Coppola vision, one more Russ Meyer flick (albeit one starring The Sex Pistols in a punk rock A Hard Day’s Night) regardless of quality?  I, for one, doubt it since any list involving these and other unmade movies often allude to potential greatness.  The whole point of considering what might have been is to play with the idea of what epic majesty has been lost.  

And therein lies the second aspect of why it is better these films were never made.  Those unutilized elements, the surrealism, daring camera work, symbolism, unconventional actor choices, taking established characters in strange new directions are all still possible; what has not been made can still be made.  The movies that never were should inspire the course of the movies that may yet be.  Instead of using missed opportunities to contemplate lost excellence perhaps they should be fueling artistic ambitions – rather than staring at the void, fill it.



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Home

8/15/2014

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Across the street there's a dim light flickering, an electric bulb pretending it's a candle.  It won't be long before the shadows chew off enough of the waning glow to swallow the whole room.  Every now and again a silhouette passes the window as someone inside paces.  In all likelihood it's Mr. Williams who owns the house.  He lives alone.  There used to be a Mrs. Williams, but she's been gone close to twenty years.  

Every so often Mr. Williams goes to the window to peer out.  His face pale and cracked.  Time enjoyed sculpting it, yet one can't help feeling Mr. Williams doesn't care for the outcome.  Perhaps the reasons for each and every crag irritate him.  Like a necessity one can't avoid but still hates, he accepts being the gargoyle glowering through the window.  

That face, glancing with a single evil eye, has scared children off his lawn for decades.  The oldest neighborhood residents claim there used to be a time Mr. Williams smiled.  The kind of grin that infected even the most glum person.  He didn't find the silver lining, Mr. Williams was the silver lining.  But things changed.

Glaring out the window Mr. Williams looks at his watch.  Something is on its way.  Though it has no sense of time, not the way humans understand the concept, something is late. 

Mrs. Williams died.  It was quick, but still painful, and nothing could be done to stop it.  The doctors didn't even seem to try.

The local priest stopped by to tell Mr. Williams about Job.  The neighbors came to tell Mr. Williams everything would be all right.  He found both kinds of visits peculiar.  The priest telling him god didn't mind killing to win a bet, and the neighbors, young couples sitting next to each other, saying everything would be fine without any idea how he felt.  Of course it could be fine, if he wanted it to be fine.  But he didn't.  He only wanted Ellen.

The rain is coming down, a light drizzle.  Lightning flashes and thunder on the horizon suggest this is the advance guard.  A deluge is coming.  The light across the street grows a bit dimmer.

For two years Mr. Williams kept his wife's garden going.  He lacked her green thumb, yet the flowers managed to bloom.  He threw a few parties, and though his smile seemed a tad weaker than usual, he appeared convivial.  It wasn't until around Christmas the rumors started.  Soon after the neighbors stopped coming.

Down the block a figure in a trench coat is walking through the rain.  Moving so quickly the person seems to be gliding along, a long red scarf trailing behind fluttering in the wind, up turned collar and a low slouch hat helping the scarf keep the face hid.  The figure stops in front of Mr. Williams house, consults a slip of paper then advances up the walk to the front door.

It was the third year following Ellen Willaims' passing.  Mr. Williams was the last to arrive at the annual Fosters' Christmas party.  He came in breathless, his old smile spread wide.  People felt relieved to see him so genial.  He appeared revitalized.  He cracked jokes, came across as charming, even danced a bit with Glenn Haugh's pretty cousin.  Things seemed to be on the upswing for the widower.  But then someone -- Toby Fitch, who would never admit to it despite everyone remembering it was him -- made the mistake of remarking:  "Good to see you're your old self Pete.  Whatever's made the change, it's for the better."

Pete Williams just smiled.  He suspected he shouldn't say anything, yet felt compelled.  Four Rob Roys will do that.  

Grinning from ear to ear Pete said, "She's back."

"Who's back?" Toby asked.

"Ellen."

The figure knocks at the front door.  Mr. Williams silhouette passes across the window.  The door opens.  The figure goes inside.  Mr. Williams glances up and down the street.  Seeing nothing to worry him, he closes the door.

The party shifted gears after that statement.  People wanted to be accommodating, however, there are certain things which polite society refuses to endure.  One in particular is the declaration a man's deceased wife has been visiting him in the night.

Pete tried to put their minds at ease saying he thought the same as them.  Grief had finally won out, cracked his mind, and he was seeing things.  But she was real.  He felt her hand pass through his when she tried to touch him.  She felt like cold vapor; the chilly cloud that sometimes escaped the freezer.  The more he talked about his wife the more uncomfortable the others became.  When a few tried to humor him -- "Pete, if you say it's true then it is." -- Mr. Williams got angry.

He didn't need them to believe him for what he said to be true.  And it hurt in a way he couldn't describe for years -- like the marrow started to boil in his bones -- that his friends and neighbors saw his happiness as a sign of sickness.  Sure, he understood their hesitation, but still, when had he ever seemed inclined to spiritualist nonsense?  He never entirely believed in god let alone ghosts.  He went so far as to tell them all the ways he tried to disprove what was happening; and how such endeavors put such a look on Ellen's ethereal face that each time he tried to show himself she wasn't real he felt a knife twist in his stomach.  She was real.  So very real.

The light goes out across the street.  Well, the electric light.  Somewhere in the living room a vague purplish iridescence sparkles at irregular intervals.  It moves from one side of the window to another as if wandering the room.  Then a great flash of purple light goes off, and if one is watching in that moment it's clear there are three figures standing in the living room.  A man, a woman, and something vaguely human.

Upon realizing no one would believe him Mr. Williams stormed out of the party.  A few of the neighbors tried to talk to him over the next few days, but he ignored them.  Glenn Haugh even went so far as to knock on the front door, and ask if there was a chance he might see Ellen.  Pete invited him in.  The fact Glenn died of a heart attack that night doesn't necessarily prove anything.  He was overweight, drank too much, smoked too much, and yet... all it proved was that something unhealthy was beginning to pervade the Williams' home.

Neighbors stopped coming by.  Their children learned by their parents example to shun the decaying house.  Once upon a time he might've become Uncle Pete to some of the neighborhood kids.  Now he was just Mr. Williams.  Crazy old Mr. Williams.

In the summer time kids watched the house, especially the way lights never went off at night.  Sleepovers in Max Foster's treehouse often devoted whole stretches to rumors about what went on in there.  Stories of witchcraft, devil worship, and grim experiments on dead things.  Any pet that went missing was presumed to be in Mr. Williams clutches.  Its blood used to summon up ghosts, or electrodes run throughout its body to see what got twitching.  And often these tales of the macabre ended with a round of dares to see who was brave enough to sneak up to the house and peer through a window.  The few who dared never really saw anything, though always came back with something to tell:

"Too dark to see much, but I think that's cuz there's a couple people in there.  They don't want to be seen.  Man, I don't think he's alone."

"Some record was playing, but I heard him talking to somebody."

"He was eating dinner.  I never saw a steak looked like that."

"That place is too clean for him to be human."

"I didn't see anything, but I smelled something weird."

The light comes back on across the street.  The front door opens soon after.  The figure departs, leaving with the rain.  Two weeks later an odor forces the neighbors to call the authorities.  The door is forced open, and Mr. Williams is found dead on the couch.  Smiling.

Years vanished.  The neighborhood went on without Pete Williams, treating him like an unwanted birth mark, or scar.  Always there, but easily ignored.  The few who did try to bring him back into the fold rarely tried for very long.  When people waved he gave them the finger.  This became a game with the now teenage neighborhood kids -- wave at Williams.  His once charming wit now went to making cutting remarks.  His infectious smile metastasized into a contagious frown.  He brought the worst out in every situation, and reveled in the miserable state he produced in others.  The only time he appeared even remotely content was on his way home as if the only thing that still made him happy was in there.  

He spent most of his time inside.  The lights never went out at night, and people did truly wonder if the man ever slept.  Sometimes the teens, stoned and drunk, still played daring games, sneaking up to the house to peer inside.  However, even twisted on weed the kids no longer believed the wild stories they told one another.  Mr. Williams was just an old crank who hated people.  As far they knew that's all he'd ever been.  The fact he was a weirdo was easily inferred from the strange visitors he sometimes entertained.

Infrequently people would stop by the house.  They looked like academics bewildered by a reality outside of libraries; wild haired bookworms in mismatched clothes with thick glasses; gypsy fortune tellers straight out of the silver screen.  Some came with bizarre scientific equipment, others with thick leather books, and always they left with self satisfied smirks as something in the house made them more sure of themselves.  

That said, the one good thing about the suburbs is that people tend to mind their own business.  Sure the gossips debated what all those visitors were about, but no one ever thought to directly ask Mr. Williams.  The neighborhood left him to his own devices so long as his peculiarities stayed indoors -- contained. 

A few neighbors go to Pete Williams funeral.  He doesn't really have much family, and they hope he's found a peace in death he lost in life.  The usual regrets come to the surface.  Folks wonder if perhaps more could've been done for the mad widower.  Hell, he experienced a loss none of them have had to endure.  Death is hypothetical to so many people.  There's no telling how one will react.  Still, what's done is done.

Around nine that evening, the light goes on across the street.  The record player turns on.  Neighbors figure some teens have broken into the house.  Mr. Foster marches across the street to set them straight -- "Dman kids.  No respect."  He has a spare key, has had one almost since the Williams first moved in, so he let himself inside.  

"What the hell is going on in here?" he bellows at... no one.  The house is empty.

The last conversation anyone ever had with Pete Williams was close to a week before his death.  Rita Miller, formerly Mrs. Haugh, saw him at the grocery store picking out a bottle of wine.  Despite the years, Pete's smile still looked the same.  Rita never blamed Pete for what happened to Glenn.  She always thought it was bad timing.  Perhaps if Glenn hadn't died there, well, maybe people wouldn't've thought such dark thoughts about Pete's house.

"Pete?  Pete Williams?"

A smile inviting to all, "Rita Haugh."

"Yes, though it's Miller now."

"Recently?"

"Heavens no.  I remarried about, oh, seven years after Glenn  passed."

"That was such a shame Rita.  I really am so sorry."

Rita cast a dismissive wave, "It was nobody's fault."

"Ellen did startle him."

Rita's face sank.  She moved away shortly after Glenn's funeral.  She kept in touch with few people from the block.  Although no one really mentioned Pete, she'd hoped he'd dropped the silly notion of Ellen's ghost as time passed.  

Trying to change the subject Rita pointed at the wine, "Getting ready for a special occasion?"

Pete nodded, "Rita, I'm going to let you in on a little secret." -- Pete leaned in close to whisper -- "People waste their time trying to bring the dead back to life when it's easier to go to them.  The trick is dying the right way."

Rita asked, "Pete, how are things?  Really."

Pete smiled, and Rita felt a grin spread on her own face, "My dear, sweet, Mrs. Miller, everything is splendid."

No one lives in the Williams house for very long.  Anyone who does complains about certain occurrences.  The furniture is always being rearranged.  The television won't stay off even when unplugged.  Lights turn themselves on.  Doors open and shut.  Voices are heard chatting in empty rooms.  Footsteps in vacant halls, or the radio plays on its own followed by the sound of two people are dancing.  

Though no one has ever complained that the presence in the building is anything close to malevolent, it's clear something already calls the place home.

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Why I Quit:  The PTA

8/9/2014

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“There aren’t many people who would sell cigarettes to children.  However, there are a lot of people who will sell them sugar.”

I chewed on my tongue to stop from speaking.


“Tireless work it took to stop Big Tobacco from marketing to our kids, but it was worth every sleepless night pouring over studies to find the truth, the same truth we need to face about sugar.”

No speech has ever inspired me to a greater lust for candy.  I could feel myself developing a veritable erection for a bar of solid chocolate – innuendos be damned.

About three months ago I took a position as a substitute teacher at a local school.  For the most part I took the gig because I needed money.  Day labor house painting had yet to secure me financial security.  Fearing eviction I revisited my economic options.  In my bag of resume fireworks I rediscovered a certificate declaring me legally able to be a substitute teacher. 

I’d forgotten about this particular gem, set aside during the summer of 2006 when I decided I had grown out of touch with weed.  Wanting to renew our kinship for nostalgic reasons I ditched a variety of career options which wouldn’t care for such an acquaintanceship.  However, relations with the green Buddha soon broke down when it became clear weed enjoyed movies I didn’t care for unless bent.  We parted amicably, vowing never to speak of the night we found it necessary to burn down a diner full of ghouls.  

Knowing well enough that substitute teaching was not much unlike bartending – keep the occupants distracted/placated until they can be compelled to leave becoming someone else’s problem – I decided to revisit this professional angle.  The only downside seemed to be that bartending at least allowed for tips.  Still, the part time nature of the job appealed to me.  

Now, let’s be honest.  Substitutes work hard.  It isn’t easy getting up that early.  However, a lot of my duties involved treating the day like prolonged study hall.  Instead of teaching the kids about Lord of the Flies, my responsibilities involved preventing a similar scenario.  After all, children below a certain age respond to authority by proximity.  Simply standing in a room with them will deter a great degree of outright assholery.  One of the reasons I preferred elementary over high school.  And whenever it got clear that any kid, born with rebel in the bones, wanted to test the limits, well, frankly, taking them out of class to offer them a cigarette shuts ‘em up way better than a trip to the principal.  

So two months go by, teaching by day, drinking the day off by night, when I got the kind of call I’d been dreading.  

“Hi, this is Gracy Mercer over at {school name withheld for legal reasons}.”

“Hey, Gracy.  What can I do for you?”

Gracy:  “According to our records you’ve subbed for Mrs. Helman.”

Me:  “If you say so.”

Gracy:  “Well, Mrs. Helman is – how do I put this?  She’s not feeling well.”

Me: “When do you need me?”

Gracy:  “Tomorrow, but what I’m getting at is she’s going to be sick for a while.”

Me:  “So you need me for two or three days.”

Gracy:  “More like the rest of the school year.”

Me:  “Shit.”

Gracy:  “Excuse me?”

Me:  “I’m sure there are more qualified candidates.”

Gracy:  “Mrs. Helman recommended you specifically.”  

At which point I understood everything.  Mrs. Helman had an eighth grade class as well as taught English.  She could have been sent from central casting to play the archetypical burnt out educator.  Crooked glasses no matter how she adjusted them, hair like an abstract bird’s nest, the lingering odor of booze beneath a nauseating amount of fruity perfume that wasn’t fooling anyone.  She used yellow chalk to hide the nicotine stains on her fingers, and her eyes possessed the haunted quality of a person who knows their soul is a dying ember that once burned brighter than the sun.

Long story short:  Low paying jobs require supplemental income.  So I may have sold Mrs. Helman some recreational delights.  Recalling the news from the other day, about a naked woman running through the streets of downtown Chicago screaming – “We have to kill the children!  They eat souls!” – I started wondering if perhaps the LSD I procured for her might have been more potent than either of us expected.  

In any case, I couldn’t begrudge the lady for trying to fuck me over in the aftermath.  So I accepted the six month sentence as a kind of penance.  

The first week breezed by thanks in no small part to creamy whiskey and coffee.  I told the kids the truth.  Mrs. Helman had temporarily lost her mind.  Children go nuts for the truth, especially when it comes from adults.  And the darker the better, particularly when it’s about adults.  My honesty bought me a week wherein the kids stayed relatively quiet debating the ways Mrs. Helman was barking mad.

However, sometime in the second week I started getting bored, so I pulled out Mrs. Helman’s lesson plan, a grim tome full of doodles that would make a serial killer uncomfortable.  Most of it seemed straight forward enough.  Math, History, English, the basics as it were.  I figured why not take a crack at the job I was being paid to do. 

Overall, I tried to teach the kids that what they learned in school could be considered the backdoor to a wild and weird world.  Learning to read gave them access to books such as Naked Lunch and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and a few choice quotes helped emphasize the point – “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity,” alongside, “Sex is just another form of talk, where you act the words instead of saying them.”  Science taught them ways to blow up things with soda.  History is a map of human failure throughout time, offset by infrequent wondrous triumphs.  Math helped them keep from getting scammed by street dealers trying to play kingpin.  Along the way, I also dropped a few nuggets of personal wisdom which made three kids cry, and one attempt suicide with a belt in the bathroom stall.  

But it wasn’t all good times.

It turned out teachers have duties besides babysitting other people’s spawn.  Not having enough seniority, I wasn’t able to get out of PTA meetings.  At first I thought it might be good for a laugh.  I soon learned otherwise.

PTA meetings are the leading cause of alcoholism among teachers.  Whatever will to remain sober the students haven’t beaten out of an educator, their parents will cut out with a few flicks of switchblade tongue.  Imagine a brick wall that refuses to believe it’s blocking the road, and every logical, pragmatic rebuttal of this opinion results in the wall hitting you with bricks.  

Transcript selection:

Principal Martin:  “We don’t have the money.”

Parent (Let’s call him Shitforbrains):  “Then find some.”

Principal Martin:  “We’ve squeezed every penny we can out of the budget.”

Shitforbrains:  “I find that hard to believe.”

(Keep in mind that Shitforbrains has no idea what the school has been doing to find more money.  He simply presumes no honest search has occurred, and that hidden within the moldy couch cushions in the teachers’ lounge are several gold bricks; that we don’t drink bulk rate coffee produced by a machine that looks ready to explode, we drink cappuccinos served to us by tuxedoed Italian waiters.)

Me:  “We could have a bigger budget if everyone voted yes on the upcoming tax increase.”

Mrs. Shitforbrains:  “You shut your mouth.  Do you really expect us to pay more taxes?  I saw the car you drove in here with.  You should be paying for my kids’ education.”

Me:  “First off, I stole that car…”

Shitforbrains:  “You mean the money from our pockets!”

Me:  “No, metaphors.  I literally stole that car…”

In any event, the evening broke down into a lot of angry grumbling that achieved nothing.  No problems were resolved.  No issues were made clear.  Parents got to yell at the faculty, and like professional whipping boys, we sat there and took it.  Although, I’m half certain Mr. Grant, the science teacher, appeared to be getting some sexual satisfaction out of being belittled.  A disquieting stain appeared on his pants as he squirmed in delight while a shrill birdlike woman chirped at him for teaching math the wrong way.

Most of the meetings went like this, and I soon found myself following Principal Martin home to see if I could get some dirt on her, thereby blackmailing my way out of future meetings.  The most mind shattering exchanges involved oscillations of opinions suggesting the parents in attendance had no idea what they’d demanded at the previous meeting.

For instance, at one assembly the teachers were told the kids were getting too much homework.  Then, at the subsequent PTA meeting, parents felt we weren’t giving their kids enough.  Hammers do less damage to grey matter.

But the angry parents were, by far, the least irritating.  The worst were the Activists.  These assholes respected educators and the other parents.  As such, they believed we’d all gotten together to make the world a better place.  So they saw PTA meetings as a chance to preach their cause of the month, believing their passionate rhetoric might insight the assembled mass to a fever pitch.  From this gym we will pour out into the streets, march to the nearest television studio, and lynch the executives for putting too much violence on TV.  

Everything came to a pinpoint pushing deeper into my eye when during one meeting a particular parent – Let’s call him Fucktard – called for my attention.

Fucktard:  “Yeah, I wanted to address some of the things you’ve been teaching my kid.”

Me:  “Which one is your kid?”

Fucktard:  “Stevie.”

Me:  “Good kid.  Smart.  He knows shit I don’t even know.”

Fucktard:  “Yeah, well, that said and all, as I understand it you’ve been teaching about the Holocaust.”

(Fucktard, by the by, looks like the kind of person most likely to say the Holocaust never happened.)

Me:  “And what?”

Fucktard:  “My wife and I were just hoping that when you teach it – see the thing is we feel you’re teaching it too dark.”

Me:  “Sorry.  In the future I’ll make sure to mention the balloons and ice cream cake served in concentration camps.”

Fucktard:  “Buddy, they’re too young to learn about this the way it happened.”

Me:  “All right.  I’ll teach the Holocaust sunny.  Anybody else got a problem with me?”

Iwannapunchyouinthefacesohard:  “You told my daughter she couldn’t be a scientist.  That is sexist.”

Me:  “No, I told her it would difficult for someone failing science to become a scientist then told her if she brought up her grades it would become more likely.”

Iwannapunchyouinthefacesohard:  “That’s not how you encourage children.”

Me:  “You’re right.  I should’ve told her she can be anything she wants, even when she’s failing at it.  Anything else?”

Principal Martin:  “I think that’s enough for now.”

Me:  “No, no.  This is cathartic.  They came here to yell at someone because they can’t yell at their own lives.  Who’s next?”

HeIsRisen:  “We asked for our son to be excused from sex ed., but you taught him about private parts anyway.”

Me:  “Your kid is a goddamn snitch.”

HeIsRisen:  “It wasn’t your place to teach those… things.”

Me:  “One day he’ll thank me.”

HeIsRisen:  “What?”

Me:  “I seriously doubt you’re ever going to teach him anything he needs to know about sex.”

Things got a bit nasty after that.  

I truly believe there are some people afraid that if their kids learn certain things those children will become aware their parents have been keeping aspects of reality from them, and once that realization is crossed, those enlightened kids never trust their parents again.  Not entirely anyway.  Hiding behind the lie of protecting innocence, parents raise their children to be blindsided by awful truths instead of safely introduced to them.  Although maybe, just maybe, it’s possible some people are so willfully ignorant they truly believe their limited perspective encompasses all of reality, or at the very least should.  Still, it wasn’t tactful to suggest Mrs. Shitforbrains needed a good punt to the cunt to turn her brain back on, a reboot if you’ll forgive the pun, and saying that Iwannapunchyouinthefacesohard should be sterilized may have touched a nerve.  But I stand by those statements.  

Yet, there was no coming back from those declarations, not without having to apologize.  So I rose from chair, quietly told Principal Martin I quit, and walked out the door, though this wasn't the last time I was ever a teacher.

… over the next few weeks a string of incidents occurred the police have deemed malicious mischief.  At least one pair of PTA members keeps finding the term PIG RAPIST painted on their garage door, while another set will always fear whoever broke into their house and super glued their shoes to the ceiling in the middle of the night.  And whoever mailed that crate of porn is a genius in my book.



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I Am the Game: pt. 12: For Your Viewing Pleasure

8/1/2014

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It took about two weeks to get everything prepared.  During that time things got a bit, for lack of a better word, hectic.  A new breed of dinosaur entered The Game, this kind capable of using guns.  Socialist zombies could be heard marching throughout the jungle singing the Soviet national anthem.  They stampeded in rage at the sight of anything they regarded as suppression of the proletariat, which they would then try to devour and reabsorb into the great collective otherwise known as their bellies.  (side note:  one on one the Marxist undead are passionate individuals well worth having a conversation with, but on mass the mob is a terrifying thing, incomprehensible and irrational.)  Everyday one faction seemed to be waging full scale war with another; and always overhead the humming of camera-drones.  If nothing else, the audience was being well entertained.At first Joyce took some convincing.  However, one simple detail turned her around.  She saw the potential for escape, and agreed to go along with it, especially once I said we'd need some real firepower.  To which she said:


"Gypsy Jesters seem to be well armed."


There was no doubt in my or Nigel's mind about her real intentions.  As much as Joyce wanted to escape she craved a little payback on the way out.  I didn't see any reason to deny her.  


It wasn't hard to find a Jesters' outpost, though coming up with a strategy other than Joyce's Go-In-N-Blow-They're-Balls-Off stratagem proved difficult.  She stuck doggedly to her desire to chase a cloud of bullets into the camp, and run out behind a similar screen.  No matter what logical rebuttal Nigel or I made she insisted on admonishing us as pussies.  Our debate went on longer than I care to admit, thanks in no small part to several rounds of exchanges such as:

"I may be a cunt, but at least I'm not a coward."

"Actually, sir, I dare say you're both."

"Thanks Nigel."

"Please don't agree with me Joyce, it makes me feel wrong."

By the time the three us got close to anything resembling a compromise our plans needed to change.  A small flock of cameras went humming by overhead, and settled in a holding pattern over the Jester compound.  Everyone knew that could only mean one thing.  Even the Jesters appeared to be running around, preparing for any kind of an assault.

We waited... waited... the sun started to set.  Scanning the distant tree line with a set of binoculars, Nigel nudged me with his elbow.  Passing the spy glass to me, I followed where he pointed to a lone figure perched in the trees.  It was difficult to spot the person, though once I saw them -- a breeze moved the leaves just enough to give a peek -- my heart skipped.  The longer I looked, hoping some trick of the light inspired the sight, the more certain it became Caliban's people lurked in the nearby jungle, waiting for darkness to attack.

I whispered to Nigel, "You think they're here for us?"

Nigel shook his head, "I don't see how."

"What is it?"

I didn't want to say anything, but Nigel gave me a grim nod suggesting I let Joyce in.  Handing her the binoculars I said, "Caliban is here."

She snatched them, and strained to see through the dying light.  When her nut brown tan faded noticeably, I knew she'd seen them. 

Swallowing hard Joyce said, "This is it."

"Not if we keep on moving," I said.  I figured we could always try again later, but only if we were alive.

Joyce said, "No.  Now or never."

Nigel cocked an eyebrow, "The lady has a point."

I grumbled in opposition, though part of me knew they were right.  There would never be a better time than that moment.  The chaos of the ensuing battle, the presence of the drones, night, all would combine to increase the odds in our favor.  So I said, "Fine.  Yeah.  Now."

Having seen, roughly, the position of Caliban's people we were able to watch the scene unfold.  Caliban's devils crept through the tall grass like skilled predators.  Unconcerned with however long it took them, they slunk closer and closer to the camp.  Any Jesters they encountered on patrol disappeared as if they'd been swallowed up by the earth.  By the time the rest of the camp realized anyone was missing, it was too late.  Caliban's onslaught began.  

With the Jester's surrounded, Caliban's people burst from the grass, appearing as if out of nowhere, a howling horde of naked people painted to look like skeletons.  Several of the Jesters froze at the sight.  Savages yes, but by no means primitives, Caliban's devils traded in silent knives for the all out frenzy of flying teeth, tearing through the camp with assault rifles.  But once the Jesters recovered from the initial shock, they returned fire with zeal.  This wasn't just a skirmish between rival factions, this was a fight to either stop Hell or unleash it.  The Gypsy Jesters knew what losing meant all too well, while Caliban's people were ravenous for a fresh blood orgy.

At the first crack of gunfire Nigel, Joyce, and I ran towards the camp.  An explosion lit up the night.  We stayed focused, charging straight towards the fray.  A Jester began firing a weapon like an automatic flare gun, popping off several red sizzling dots in a row.  Anything organic the flares hit burst into flame, while anything metal soon glowed red and melted.  We plunged into the heart of the conflict.  Clack-clattering of rifle fire all around, hissing of energy weapons, screams of the dying, howling and snarling from Caliban's devils, explosions -- I felt terrified beyond reason.  

I know that isn't the heroic thing to say.  In fact, one would suspect that by this point I'd overcome such reactions to The Game.  However, the exact opposite is true.  I learned that surviving didn't always mean thinking.  Thoughts can lead to second guesses, seconds guesses to hesitation, and surviving this kind of chaos meant reacting at a moment's notice -- don't think, do.  I saw a Jester, I fired.  I saw one of Caliban's skeletons, I fired.  Fear overrode reason, killing the ability to remember simple facts like no one can outrun a bullet, the odds of survival in this particular situation are against you, and the notion you've lived enough do you really want more?  Sometimes fear is the greatest motivator of all because it stops a person from thinking there is another choice, a more sane route.  So I plunged into the nightmare.

I caught up to Nigel and Joyce behind a shed.

Joyce said, "I saw a guy run into that building, and come out with, I dunno what.  It looked wicked."

Nigel took the lead without another word.  There was no time to spare.  We followed him to the haphazard building Joyce indicated.  Inside brought tears to my eyes.  Everything we could have ever needed resided within.  From booze to bullets, the Jesters' warehouse held it all. 

We loaded up.  At one point I actually had to ditch a few weapons as I lost the ability to walk properly -- guns are heavy.  But eventually I balanced things out.

"Stick to the plan," I said, and led us back out into the fracas.  

While the Jesters continued fighting Caliban, our trio took aim at the sky.  RPGS on hand, we fired at the camera-drones.  As soon as one dropped, we reloaded and fired again, and again, knocking drones out of the air one after the other.  It wasn't long before teleport modules began blinking into sight and spitting out the recovery crew.  The team found themselves in the middle of the carnage, yet barely batted an eye.  Clad in heavy black and red armor, they mowed down anything that stepped near them or the downed drones.  However, I couldn't help thinking some of their weapons were designed more for intimidation than practicality like the gun that appeared to generate as well as launch growling chainsaws.  

In any event, the plan was working.  Although the crews merely needed to slap a transponder tag onto a downed camera, thereafter the damaged machine almost immediately being teleported away, Joyce, Nigel, and I shot so many down the crews couldn't keep up.  The recovery team was soon stuck just trying to stay alive in the midst of the fight let alone get their job done. 

The remaining cameras soon lifted to greater heights -- out of range.  Through the burning night I caught sight of someone from the recovery team, alone, hurrying back to a teleport module.

This was our chance, possibly the only one we'd get.  

I took off running, the others following close behind me.  Joyce fired as she ran, taking out Gypsy Jesters and Caliban's devil all along the way.  I focused on the distance to the module.  It felt like trying to run to the Moon.  But then I was shouldering the armored figure into the module.  Soon enough, Nigel and Joyce crammed themselves in behind me.  

I jammed a gun into the throat of the recovery crewman, shouting, "Take us out of here!  Take us out now!"

"All right, all right," the crewman replied then added, "Retrieval this is Echo 7 requesting return."

Through the crewman's helmet I heard a crackle of static then a voice muttered, "Roger that Echo 7.  Prepare for return."

Everything started to flicker like a sputtering film reel.  I felt that head over heels tumbling, and splashed into peaceful darkness for the blink of eye.  The first time it'd been an unsettling experience, but now it was wonderful.  I didn't care what happened next.

The world snapped back to solidity.  The hiss of the door behind us caused our trio to pour out of the module, dragging the crewman as a human shield.  We expected resistance, an armed guard of some kind.  What we got was a lone man in a three piece suit applauding.  He smiled in a way that although friendly made me uncomfortable.  

He said, "Well done.  Haven't seen anything this exciting in a long, long time." -- he held out his hand, but kept his distance -- "How you doing?  Peter Winters."

I said, "Hi, Peter.  I'm Fuck, this is You, and she's Asshole."

Peter lowered his hand, but his smile didn't diminished.  He said, "I'd like to congratulate you on being one of the very few people to ever escape The Game."

"Right-o, though I don't think this qualifies as escape until we're actually free," Nigel said.

"Look," Peter said, shaking his head, "Let's get one thing clear.  We teleported you up here.  If we wanted to we could've sent you right back down, or out into the ocean.  So please, calm down.  We're bringing you out."

None of us relaxed our position.  Meanwhile, dozens of technicians hurried about around us, ignoring the standoff, as they rushed to repair the damaged drones.

Joyce pointed her gun at Peter, "Let us go, or I'll shoot you."

Peter said, "I don't doubt it.  But I need you to understand something:  I want you to get out."

"Then open the doors, and let us out," I said.

Peter shook his head, "It's not that simple."

I said, "It never is.  Joyce, shoot him."

"Hold on!  Hold on!" -- Peter threw up his hands -- "We're in the middle of the ocean."

"Which ocean?" Nigel asked.

"Atlantic," Peter replied, "So even if I open the doors, you aren't going to get far... until I give you the keys to a boat."

Very slowly he reached into a pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He pointed out there were no guards, and though the impulse not to trust him persisted, a part of me wanted to hear what he had to say.  So one might say we listened to his pitch.

We'd been right.  The ratings were in decline, and a program like The Game couldn't survive a ratings dip considering its expense.  Even one cancelation threatened to shut the whole operation down.  In order to bring viewers back, General Global Consumption brought in a new producer.  Enter Peter Winters.  

Peter stepped away from the full on reality aspect, and started aiming the program more towards behind the scenes manipulation of events.  They pumped in chemicals to make the animals more hostile, started dumping weapons caches in random locations, they even coaxed Caliban towards the Jester outpost in the hopes quote "you or Joyce would square off against him, but sadly, you can only control so much."

When he proposed sending us back, teleporting us into the heart of Caliban's tribe, I shot him in the knee.

Twenty minutes later a medical team had him bandaged and sufficiently pumped full of painkillers to get back on track:

"I've been following you three.  In fact a lot of our viewers have.  See the problem the last few years is that all the players settled in.  You three are the first in way too long to try outright escaping.  And that's when I got a brainwave."

I said, "You're going to let us go to imply escape is possible."

Peter clapped his hands together, "Precisely.  You three will become myths within The Game, inspiring others to attempt the same."

He went on about a series of necessary nondisclosure contracts we'd have to sign first, alongside a mind boggling amount of money we'd be paid over the next several years to stay silent, but the gears in my head wouldn't get away from one or two sticky notions about morality.  The so-called players were people snatched off the streets, plunged into a blood drenched asylum where they could die in minutes, or spend years staggering through brutality in the hope of dying quickly, all the while on display for secret audiences around the world.  If I got out, took the money, then I'd be a part of that system.  

Taking a stand, turning down the offer felt like the right thing to do.  Yet, how long could I actually expect to survive in The Game?  There was no doubt in my mind I'd be dumped back into the jungle the second I refused.  Plus, if I turned him down, Peter Winters sounded like the kind of person who'd douse me in T-Rex pheromones and leave me to get raped to death by the king of dinosaurs, all on live pay-per-view -- order now! 

And where the hell was Nigel, an anthropomorphized baboon going to live in the outside world?

Still, survival isn't always about doing the right thing, although being human is.  Either way, no one knows what they're going to do in a particular situation until they have to actually do it.  Take the deal, or return to The Game.

Joyce and Nigel could decide however they wanted.  As for me, I said...



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    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

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